It has taken me seventy years to figure out who I am and I’m still not sure I have a complete handle on it. With the advent of social media and content bombardment of all things Neurodivergent, I have been re-thinking who I am.
When I saw people online with late diagnosis ADHD, in their thirties, it made me smile. If only I’d had the information in my teens it would have saved me a lot of angst.
All my life I was always the one sorting out other people’s problems and gallantly rescuing underdogs both literal and metaphoric. I cared too much about too many things. My dad repeatedly told me I couldn’t be the conscience of the world. It didn’t make sense to me. When it seemed like no-one else cared I’d dive in boots and all because someone had to care. Photo by Good Days Digital on Unsplash
When my mum told me I had to eat my vegetables, children in Africa were starving, it made me want to save all the starving children in Africa. I was filled with overwhelming guilt and hopelessness. I wanted to send them my vegetables.
It was like my ‘feelings button’ was permanently set to hyperdrive.
‘Don’t be so sensitive!’ ‘Why are you crying now?’ ‘Do NOT slam that door.’
I couldn’t understand why everyone didn’t feel everything the way I did. I thought they were cold, cynical and hard hearted. They thought I was too emotional and needed to be more logical.
Photo by Олег Мороз on Unsplash
I grew up with the world telling me I was too smart, too pretty, too short, too witty, too angry, too late, too sarcastic, too unfocused, too caring, too funny, too loud—
In other words I was too much.
I’m an extrovert and I have always loved the limelight. In school I signed up for every drama and often got the best roles because the teacher knew I was all in. No half measures with me. I could take on a persona and become someone else. Great for dramas and for me it was like having a break from the pressure of being me. I tried on different personas the way other people tried on clothes.
Outside of Drama classes I would try to make myself smaller. It worked for a while but it was exhausting trying to contain it all. I longed to be like everyone else. I would dumb down and try to fit in. It would work for a while then I’d score a hundred percent on a test and the spotlight would swing my way again.
The pressure to NOT be me was so strong I quit school.
Photo by Paul Harris on Unsplash
I got jobs in offices, doing general admin, which I loathed. I played the role and the bosses loved me. After work drinks was play time. Some random guy would come over and I would pretend I didn’t speak English. I knew enough Welsh, French, Italian, Spanish and German to fake it and my accents were believable. I frequently played an American visiting Melbourne. I’d lived in Texas when I was fifteen and I had the accent down pat.
I was so good at being different people I lost sight of myself for a while. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. I spent my twenties in a state of numbness, self medicating to keep myself going.
I used to envy people who knew what they were. ‘Hi, I’m a writer’ or ‘Hi, I’m an artist,’ or ‘Hi, I’m a musician.’ I could never pick just one. In the end I picked ‘Creative.’ My chaotic, creative, loud, disorganized, haphazard multi-focused life is the result of the way my brain is wired.
Thanks to the wonders of modern technology I often see people on instagram sharing the top ‘symptoms’ of people with ADHD and I tick all the boxes.
Just to be sure I took one of those online ADHD tests. Ding ding ding! Of course I scored super high. Is it weird that I was pleased with my super high score? I do like to ace tests. I’m not competitive but weirdly I like round numbers. Come to think of it that makes sense of why I have to keep going until I score 100% on my language app because only then will it feel complete. Weird huh?
It makes sense of the thousands of times when I was a kid being told I had ants in my pants. The bajillion times I was told to ‘for goodness sake sit still.’
At work I was labelled: ‘one of those creative types.’ I would be shut down because I had too many ideas for the team to cope with. I mean, is there such a thing as too many ideas? Surely we need more. Not according to the stuck in the rut, buttoned up tight middle of the roadsters. Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash
It has taken me a lifetime to realize that who I am is ok and I don’t have to BE anyone but myself. It’s ok to be quirky and creative and loud and all the other parts of who I am. It’s ok to feel all the feels and not have to burn out saving the world. BTDT
We watch our children and grandchildren navigate this crazy thing called life from the sidelines, cheering them on, knowing they are still discovering their weird, creative wonderful selves.
I don’t know what difference the test has made to how I think about myself. I have survived and along the way I have learned a lot about who I am and how I operate. I use alarms and timers, set locations for keys, a bullet journal to keep a record of where I have been and what I have achieved. Those and many other coping mechanisms. I’ve learned to allow times of rest, I try not to save the world and I practice being present. I no longer panic when I hit a brick wall creatively. I know the tide has gone out and it will return. I understand my oppositional nature. I have been known to even rebel against my own rules. I try to keep things fresh and flexible so I don’t rebel and sabotage myself.
It’s my birthday next month and it has me reminiscing as usual. Can you tell? One more year on this crazy planet hurtling through space. Another year older and hopefully another year wiser. Understanding the way my brain is wired has helped me allow myself to be more me than ever before. I have learned that creativity is important in my life. It feeds my soul and is as essential to me as breathing. Photo by Dragos Gontariu on Unsplash
How are you going? I wonder, have you stopped to smell the roses today? Have you spent some time being creative today? It doesn’t need to be a masterpiece or some huge project. Sometimes it’s a simple as doodling or rearranging a room or going for a walk to pick up leaves and hidden treasures to bring them home for no reason at all. It’s not about goals or productivity. It’s about being.
Do you have a busy or scattered mind? What are your top tips for keeping it together? I’d love to hear them.
Thank you for reading my thoughts today. I really appreciate your support and I hope you will be inspired to make time for some creativity today.
Rhiannon Dowding - Writer 
Love this Rhiannon. Thanks for sharing. 💖
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Thank you 💕
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